


I'm Here, I'm Here

by nebulaesailor



Series: PSMD drabbles & worldbuilding [6]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon
Genre: Adoption, Autism, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Father-Daughter Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28585167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulaesailor/pseuds/nebulaesailor
Summary: After not sleeping for several days because of the memories of their past, Shiloh breaks.
Relationships: Konohana | Nuzleaf & Player Character (Pokemon Mystery Dungeon)
Series: PSMD drabbles & worldbuilding [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2069694
Kudos: 6





	I'm Here, I'm Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of a story I wrote a long time ago that has since then not aged well. Honestly I had really no reason for writing this other than as a coping exercise and to show how messed up Shiloh was in the first place.

The line of reality blurred when Shiloh entered the classroom, as if they were navigating a haze so thick that they couldn’t even see their hands in front of their face. They were clumsy navigating through the desks, bumping against one hard enough that it was probably going to leave a bruise but they barely registered it. Dropping down in the hard wooden chair of their desk, they fumbled through their school bag for Sella until she was safely clenched into the crook of their arm hidden under the desk so Mr. Faretch’d couldn’t yell at them and confiscate it. 

_ “Shiloh, are you okay?”  _ Espurr asked them via telepathy as she was looking back at them with concern.

_ “I’m fine.”  _ They responded back with a verbal grunt, rocking slightly as their damaged right hand pulled at the sleeve of their sweater.

_ “Please just tell me if you need anything. I’m worried about you.”  _ Espurr replied, her voice flickered and fizzled out which made their ears ring leaving them to cover them with their paws.

“Espurr! Shiloh! Pay attention to the board; all of this will be on the test!” Mr. Farfetch’d chided them as he tapped his leak on the blackboard scrawled with algebra equations that made Shiloh’s head spin.

Mr. Farfetch’d’s droning voice blurred into background noise as Shiloh could only stare at the blank worksheet in front of them and cry. The nights of fistful sleeping plagued by nightmares of the Accident, Dark Matter, and what only had to be pieces of their human memories finally catch up to them on top of the stress of failing math which they were trying to keep secret from Nuzleaf. Now everything around them blended together into a murky slurry which they could only squint through as the shadows got longer and more deranged the further they stared. 

The shadows’ aura drew closer to them; jeering at and mocking them while some unseen force pressed against their throat leaving them gasping for breath as their lungs burned for air. Shiloh clutched Sella closer to their chest, curling in on themselves as voices around them started to murmur and point. Their auras coiled and poised themselves to attack, the fangs glistening with venom ready to kill them at any moment-

_ “Shiloh.”  _

Espurr’s calming voice filled their mind and it all came to a stop if briefly; the shadows slithering back into the crevices of their mind to hunt them at a later time. Their muscles and joints ached from being so tensed up with fear that they might as well have been a Sudoowoodo with how stiff they were sitting. 

“Mr. Farfetch’d, can I please take Shiloh to the Nurse’s office? They told me through telepathy that they were feeling dizzy and wanted to lay down for a while.” Espurr’s voice rose above the din of the ringing; whatever parts of them could still think thanked her for pulling them out of hell.

“Yes, yes; honestly, child, you’re not looking well. Take all the time you need and you can catch up on your schoolwork at home if needed.” Mr. Farfetch’d replied, waving them off with a flick of his leek.

Espurr took their hand leading them towards the nurse’s office; the world blurred into an underwater chasm where everything slowed and sloshed with sounds being so far off they were barely audible. Shiloh desperately gasped for air but only water filled their lungs as they began to drown. They barely heard their screams when the door clicked shut and the wall was pressed against their back while they huddled in the corner with their head pressed against their knees. The auras slithered and flickered as they pushed against the front of their skull and clenched their heart in a vice; choking all the life out of them while their entire body throbbed in pain. 

“Should we call him? He seems to be the only one who knows how to deal with their panic attacks besides Rachael.” Espurr said; the only thing they were able to make out.

“He’s their father so it’s school policy to call. Can you help me?” Audino’s voice; so she was here.

“Please don’t! I don’t want him to worry!” Shiloh shouted, the palpable terror materialized as another aura and wrapped around their neck.

“I’m sorry, Shiloh, but I have to. Please stop slamming your head against the wall-!” She was cut off as the shadows fully closed in on them and everything went black.

\-------

“Shiloh!” Their father’s voice.

“Kid, I’m here. You are safe, you are okay.” Nuzleaf said as he kneeled in front of them, holding their head in his hands.

They felt safer but when his face morphed into something human and haunting familiar; they loss it. 

\-------

“Shiloh, please you gotta stop. You are already hurtin’ yourself pretty bad; it’s not-”

The auras pulled tighter.

\-------

They felt Nuzleaf pull them into a restraining embrace; their screaming mixed with the murmurs of the others in the office as they were pulled away from the wall. Their own blood was smeared across the wall in a big red circle similar to the red hateful eye that plagued their dreams. The sight conjured an image of the same scene but instead of a corner there were metal filing cabinets and someone much rougher was holding them and had physically turned their head to face the gory scene before them. 

“Look. Look what you did.” A cruel deep voice demanded; lacking any of the love or warmth of Nuzleaf’s. 

He treated them like a pet owner’s might've treated their puppy who pooped on the carpet and then rubbed their nose in it. Dad could be so cruel-

\-------

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Shiloh’s words came tumbling out of their mouth as they clung to him desperately; terrified that he would morph into a monster whose love was a privilege that they had to earn. 

“Shiloh, it’s okay. I’m here and no one won’t ever hurt ya while I’m here. I won’t allow it.” Their father’s warm drawl filled their ears, all they could do was bury themselves in his cloak and cry.

Nuzleaf had pulled them away from the wall and held them tightly against him on the floor; cooing words of comfort and concern to fight the whispering of the auras and shadows until they all but dissipated and he was the only thing that they could make out.

“I’m here, I’m here.” He soothed before letting out a low whistle through his teeth that made their eyelids droop and everything wash away like rain after a raging wildfire.

“I’m here, I’m here.”

\-------

They awoke to pain. There was a thrumming in their skull, radiating from the back to the front of their head; making their ears ring and their stomach churn. Shiloh let out a groan as they pulled their paws loose from the blankets to the sight of pain only to have them gently guided away. Through the haze of pain, their only functional eye searched the room only to realize they were in their room at home. 

“Wha…?” Shiloh slurred as Nuzleaf shifted in his chair and brushed his hand over the bandages swaddling their head then letting out a deep sigh. 

“You had a mighty bad panic attack, kid. I reckon you don’t remember much but ya gave yourself a nasty gash in the back of the head which Audino patched up while ya were out. How are ya feelin’?” Nuzleaf told them, Shiloh’s eye flickering back to him with their ears pinned to their skull in shame.

“It hurts a lot. I’m sorry I keep doing this.” Tears welled up in their remaining eye making them cover their face with their hands. 

“Kid, please don’t cry. There’s nothin’ to be sorry for; it’s my job to help ya through these things. But it just seems like they’re happenin’ more often and I can’t help be worried.” Nuzleaf wrapped his arms around the crying riolu as they buried their face in his shoulder. 

“Shhhh...Shhhh...s’all right...s’all right…” Nuzleaf murmured, rubbing circles into their back until they finally calmed down.

“I just feel like a burden. I keep doing this and pulling you away from work; I just have the feeling you’ll start resenting me because I'm so much trouble…” They whimpered and fiercely rubbed the tears away with the back of their paw. 

“Shiloh, you could never be a burden to me. I’m just really worried about ya; you never tell me when ya havin’ problems and I never know how to help ya. That’s all.” He moved to sit on the bed and gather them up so they were in his arms with their head resting on his chest. 

“I keep having nightmares about what happened which isn’t new but lately I’ve been having dreams about my life as a human. It really wasn’t that great.” Shiloh let out a sob as the cycle started up again and the tears began rolling down their cheeks.

“Why didn’t ya tell me, kid?” 

“I-It’s because they were about my dad.” Nuzleaf stiffened and apprehension started to leak into his aura.

“What did he do?” His voice rang low and tentative as if he was inching out onto the thin ice of a lake to save someone had fallen through. 

“H-he wasn’t very nice. He would y-yell at me alot f-for not doing my chores or getting bad grades; he would call me u-useless, a b-burden, fat, stupid, h-helpless, and u-ungratiful b-brat. Sometimes he would g-grab me really hard and s-shake me; he h-hit me a f-few times but I can’t really remember anything else. T-he worst was when I had a panic attack like I did today, and he just pointed at my b-blood smeared on the wall and said ‘Look what you did” like I was some kind of animal.” Shiloh was submerged again into that same underwater hell where they lost control of their body and everything bled into an indistinguishable blur.

“That’s downright vile; no parent should ever treat their child like that. I wish I had been there…” Nuzleaf’s eyes grew dark and his grip around them tightened; his aura writhing with indignation. 

They felt the air leave their lungs as the bubble started to collect and rise above their head; slowly suffocating-

“Kid, stay with me. You were startin’ to hold your breath.” 

Nuzleaf shook their shoulders bringing them back to reality as they were left to sputter and gasp for air. They couldn’t breath-

“Shiloh, you gotta take a deep breath. Come on do it with me.”

“1…” Nuzleaf counted as his chest rise made their head rise and they felt the air slowly start to fill their lungs.

“2...3...4…” More air filled their lungs with Nuzleaf carrying them up towards the surface until they finally broke it. 

“Now let it out.” They released their full chest with a whoosh of air as they were finally pulled back up onto solid land. 

“Good job, kiddo." 

“Papa?" 

"Yes?" 

"I’m glad you're my dad. Y-you’ve always felt more like my real father than him.” Shiloh said when they heard Nuzleaf let a small sob and lifted their head to see his eyes filled with tears. 

“Kid, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear ya say that. I’m glad I’m your dad too.” 

"I bet you're mighty thirsty from all that cryin'; why don't we go into the kitchen so I can whip us up something to drink?" 

Nuzleaf asked them as he rubbed his tears with the back of his hand and got up from the bed carrying Shiloh with him. He walked out of their room towards the kitchen where he sat them down on the counter so he could rummage through the ice box and cupboards until he had a bottle of milk in one hand and cocoa mix in the other. Shiloh swung their legs against the wooden doors of the counter as Nuzleaf poured the milk into a kettle and placed it on the stove to heat up; whistling a tune as he waited.

“Whatcha makin’?” Shiloh asked.

“Hot chocolate. My mama used to make it for me when I was a seedot after I’ve had a bad day. It always made me feel better after I’ve been cryin’. I wished she got to meet you; she would’ve loved ya.” Nuzleaf smiled at the fond memories of his mother made slightly bitter at the reminder of her passing. 

“I wished I remembered my mom. I don’t remember her as vividly as my dad but I just know she was alot like you.” Shiloh said, throwing Nuzleaf off guard at their first mention of their mother. 

“Aw shucks, kid. The hot chocolate is ready if you want some. Do you like marshmallows and whipped cream on your hot chocolate?” Nuzleaf asked as he poured hot milk into two mugs and mixed in the cocoa powder with sugar in each.

“Yes, please.” They replied and climbed down from the counter to go sit at the table where Nuzleaf followed and placed the mug in front of them.

“Blow on it, it’s still hot and I don’t want ya to burn your tongue.” Nuzleaf chided them as he sat down at the table to drink his own mug.

They both nursed their mugs in warm silence as Nuzleaf occasionally glanced at the riolu to see if they were okay while Shiloh would look outside at the setting sun. When Shiloh finished, they had lain their bandaged head on the crook of their elbow looking close to passing out. Nuzleaf snorted at the sight of them trying to fight to keep themselves awake as he placed the dirty mugs in the sink then pulled out his pipe to stuff with tobacco for his evening smoke. 

Once he got a light, he sat down in his old ratty armchair and took a long big draw of his pipe; Shiloh then scrambled off of their chair and into his lap like a paperclip to a magnet. He smiled to himself as he set his chin on their head and continued to smoke until everything had been reduced to ash and Shiloh was lightly dozing against him.

“Papa, I love you.” They muttered and briefly glanced at him then averted their gaze, shifting into a more comfortable position. 

“I love you too, Shiloh.” He replied and pressed a kiss to their forehead; grateful that Shiloh finally had someone who loved them.


End file.
